Wedding Planning So Far: What I’ve Learned

The widget on my phone tells me there are a little over 200 days until my wedding day. I’ve been patiently (mostly impatiently) checking this timer every day, wondering when the numbers will drop to zero. At this stage in the game, all that’s left to book is catering, and it feels like I’m doing something wrong. I should be panicking and stressed, right? Isn’t that what all brides feel like?

Throughout this process, I’ve learned a lot about the planning experience, a lot about myself, and a lot about the business of weddings. Here’s a summary of what I’ve personally learned over the past year:

Involving Your Fiance: During Thanksgiving dinner, I asked the table what was one thing each person was thankful of this year. Petar, my fiance, said that he’s thankful I’m planning the wedding. In a way, that’s true, but along the way, every time there’s a crossroads or a major decision (which photographer, what style of invitation, who to invite, etc), I’ve always been candid with him and asked for his opinion. This person will be your future spouse, so there should be a safe space for open discussion, not a fixed plan for the wedding you’ve been dreaming of since you were five years old.

Having a Longer Engagement: My countdown widget started over 500 days. Although I’ve been telling Petar almost everyday, “Let’s just elope. This engagement is way too long!” in the long run, it’s the best decision we’ve made. We had our choice of venues and vendors, because many of them were shocked that we were planning so early. This is especially true for higher demand locations, for instance Toronto, New York, or L.A. I follow a wedding group for Toronto, and people were saying that some venues were fully booked for 2017 in early or mid-2015.

Budgeting, Budgeting, Budgeting: Before we did anything (besides choosing a date), Petar and I sat down with a list of categories and wedding items/services (which I stole from lists on the Internet). I made a spreadsheet with a few columns: Budgeted Amount, Vendor Estimate, Amount Spent, Gifted Amount, and Variance:

We went through all the categories, and we searched and guesstimated the budgeted amounts based on our total proposed budget. Every time I did more research, I could adjust the budgets, keeping in mind the total costs and if they went up or down. Anytime we booked anything or received a quote, I would fill out the Vendor Estimate or Amount Spent categories. We’re lucky to have our parents step in for a few payments, so I would add that to the Gifted Amount section. The budget helps to know what you’re working towards and helps you not to overspend.

Some Thoughts Following Workplace Downsizing

Recently, my work went through a massive downsizing. In a company with around 30 people, we lost almost forty percent of our workforce. They were given working notice, which meant that we would still see their faces coming to the office, and one by one, they would leave based on their tenure. It’s incredibly awkward and strange to see your colleagues every day knowing that they’ll be leaving in a few weeks or months.

Most people, from a typical forty hour work week, see their colleagues more than their own families. As you interact with each coworker, he or she becomes part of your work family and oftentimes your friend, making it that much harder to say goodbye after all that time invested with each other.

I found that my coworkers were also experiencing a spectrum of emotions, from anger to fear to apathy to wary acceptance. It’s been a lot more difficult for some over others, as many of these colleagues have been here for over five, ten, and even fifteen plus years.

I’m grateful that my job was spared, but I don’t think it’s easier being someone who’s staying. There are so many questions that go through your head: why am I staying? Am I safe? Why did they choose me? Should I look for other opportunities? Why not him and why her? I’ve learned a few things about myself as the layoffs happened, and I hope they will carry forward in my current and future working life.

I can do it

My first attempt at writing a blog post on mobile so I’m hoping that this works. To be honest I am experiencing a slight writing burnout because of revisions on my Pitchwars novel.

Pitchwars is a twitter contest where writers submit their manuscripts with the hope that a mentor will pick them. Each team then revises the MS for 2 months before submitting the story to the agent round.

I decided that my goal was to enter Pitchwars with a finished MS. In June I had a rough first draft but I felt like it was a solid structure to work from. I spent the rest of June and all of July writing, revising and editing for many hours a day. I lived, breathed and focused on that novel and in the end I was able to submit by the time the deadline rolled around.

The feeling of “I can do it!” is exhilarating especially when the next phrase comes around: “I did it!” The same wonderful feeling as running a half marathon. I may not be as fast as the person that ran ahead of me. My novel may be not quite there yet in the grand scheme of things. But I did it! And next time, I know I can do it again and do it better.

There are many things we can accomplish in our lives if we are able to put aside our distractions in order to focus on doing them. While writing I admittedly did not eat as healthy or get as much sleep but I also had a deadline in mind. I knew that this was not going to last forever and that I can push myself a little more than usual.

In the end, my goal is to receive a request through pitchwars and I’m hopeful for that. But in the end the supportive writing community and the wonderful people I’ve met during the experience is the best thing of all.

Let’s Be Frank About Rights: Checking Your Privilege, Fear & Insecurity

Yesterday, I found myself in a heated debate with someone. He was having a side conversation with my fiance Petar, saying how in his home country, women wearing niqabs or burkas are required by law to show their faces. They went on to discuss how these head and face coverings are rooted in patriarchal oppression from Islamic extremists, how no woman would ever choose to wear one (eerily sounding like a certain Canadian Prime Minister).

At that point, he turned to me as if I would agree. Of course, I didn’t.

I found myself in almost an hour long, exhausting battle back and forth about women’s rights, freedom of expression, security, and everything in between. Afterwards, Petar told me that he thought at one point we would never speak to each other again.

The problem was not that he had this opinion. He is entitled to the fundamental freedom of “thought, belief, opinion and expression” (Charter of Rights and Freedoms). In fact, public opinion in Canada last year when Harper’s niqab debate rose up was strongly in favour of banning the niqab from citizenship ceremonies (side note: as the article suggests, it shouldn’t be about public opinion, it should be about individual rights and the rule of law).

It was the fact that his opinion was rooted in more troubling indicators that I couldn’t help but try to bring to his attention – with little to no success:

Journey into the Cosmere: Getting Lost in Brandon Sanderson’s Fantasy Novels

I can’t quite remember exactly how I picked up Elantris by Brandon Sanderson. At the time, I was a young high school (or junior high) girl who loved to go to the library, put down a grocery bin on a seat, and run around with her older sister to madly put YA novels into the bin. For some reason, Elantris found its way to my bookshelf as a purchase, not a library loan.

I still remember the feeling I had when I finished it. It was a roller coaster of a book, with such rich, innovative worldbuilding that it immediately pulled me in. I felt for the characters. I felt a sense of urgency in the writing, especially as it crested the top of the parabola and threatened to rush down at any moment. I liked that it was self-contained, and it didn’t have ten other books in the series to frustrate and disappoint me.

It’s not very often that a book really resonates with me for years and years. I look back at my Goodreads “read” shelf, and there are some books that I scratch my head over thinking about what happened in them.

Imagine my surprise when I was looking for a good spring read a few months ago, and I stumbled across some recommendations for the best fantasy author around. Overwhelmingly, the results always pointed toward Brandon Sanderson, but I didn’t know who he was. I scrolled through his past works, and I realized that his first published book as himself (not writing to complete Robert Jordan’s series) was Elantris.

Suddenly, the whole world, characters, and story all came back to me. I scrolled up to see his new works. How could someone be such a prolific writer having written twenty plus books in the matter of ten years? All the books couldn’t possibly be any good – could they?

Friendships Take Work: Trip to the Finger Lakes

Last weekend, we packed up our bags Friday night and headed on a road trip – myself and Petar with two other friends. Our destination? Spencerport, NY and eventually the Finger Lakes. We were on the way to see our good friend from grad school, who came to Toronto to complete her degree and moved back home once she graduated. Our car ride there was a whirlwind of too much chocolate and candy, too little sleep, and too many laughs to handle.

After we got to Spencerport and settled into our friend’s apartment with her two adorable cats, it was like we never left the UofT Grad House living room. Even when we went camping the next day and when we sat around the campfire at Keuka Lake, it was like we were still lounging around on the orange pleather couches surrounded by  Grad House’s concrete walls. Even when we visited multiple wineries surrounding Keuka Lake and Canandaigua Lake on Sunday afternoon, we surrounded the tasting counters like they were the kitchens at the dorms.

We gossiped about people. We drank our homemade wine. We settled into our conversations with such ease that you could easily say what you felt.

Now that most of us have graduated from grad school and live in different places, a lot has changed. We don’t live just one floor up or few doors down from each other. The effort it takes to plan get-togethers is overwhelming at times. We don’t have the flexibility of our school schedules to be able to travel on a whim or meet up earlier.

After the end of an obligatory time that throws people together with others, such as a school term or a program, what happens? What sets apart friends that stay together and friends that drift away?

What I’ve learned through this trip (that took some legwork to plan) is that friendships take hard work. To be able to settle back into those Grad House vibes meant that we had to work to make it happen. We set up polls, we picked weekends, we scouted places, we dealt with last minute changes, and more. Sometimes I got so frustrated I told myself, “Remind me never to plan something like this.”

During our trip together, we looked out on the Erie Canal, we hiked through the trails at the Keuka Lake campground, and we drove through the winding New York state highways. I realized in those moments that if you don’t put any effort into maintaining those relationships, you won’t be able to fully enjoy the experiences. It was because of our close connections that allowed us to really appreciate our surroundings and enrich our activities.

I’m already thinking about other adventures this summer. Looking ahead, I want to nurture my relationships through hard work and not get discouraged when plans change. Here’s to a summer of friendships!

Being Canadian: What Does That Mean?

I was on the phone with a customer service representative this morning. Right before I hung up, he told me, “Happy Fourth of July.” What was strange about that exchange was that he didn’t know I was a Canadian customer, and he still celebrated his country’s day of independence with a stranger on the other side of his headset.

Every time I’ve been to the States, especially small towns, most houses have American flags above their doorsteps. While watching Macy’s fireworks last year in New York, I saw a sea of stars and stripes, whether they were blazoned on t-shirts, tattooed on faces, or printed on themed paraphernalia.

We were also watching a few Euro 2016 games this weekend, and the countries who played in the particular matches have their sections of the stands where their fans congregate. We were watching the Germany vs. Italy nail-biting game, and my Italian friend wore his signature blue “Italia” shirt, shouting at the screen “Come on!” every time his team missed. The hypnotic sounds of the Icelandic cheer, speeding up in tempo as the fans grew excited, dominated the stands in the France vs. Iceland match. This display was even more surprising given the small population on that island (about 323,000).

What does patriotism and loyalty to a country mean? What does it mean to be a part of a nation? How do we define who we are based on our nationality/nationalities?

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Looking back on the Canada Day long weekend, I don’t think many others around the world know what July 1st means to Canadians. What I also find funny is that Canadians can’t often explain what Canada Day means to them as well.

On use of time

Something that I’ve struggled a lot with since returning to work is the use of my time. When I look back at my life before having my daughter, I want to shake my old self for not taking advantage of all those precious hours of times in the evenings and on the weekends. Where I could have accomplished more than I did. But instead, I passed the time getting by. It’s not to say that all of my time must have a purpose and that productivity is the goal of every moment, but I want to spend my time now reflecting on whether I am using my time wisely and whether I could improve my productivity (whether in efficiency or in quality or both).

I find that as I grow older, I operate better with goals and deadlines. I wasn’t so great at that in university, but in my working life, I have to be very organized. I have to plan out my schedule, know when and where to delegate, keep track of equipment that’s coming and going, manage my waitlist and also know what paperwork can wait or meetings need to be organized or a mountain of other things that are  demanding my attention at every moment.

I feel flighty a lot. Flitting from this task to that task. Making a phone call and then the phone call reminding me to do something entirely different, which takes me in another direction, and then somebody stops by my office and then WOW the morning has gone by. I have accomplished a lot of little things that need to get done but nothing big has been crossed off my list. But I need those big items to be crossed off to feel motivated to continue instead of feeling useless.

I am trying my best now to rely on lists. To work on one task at a time. Which is so difficult these days with the constant bombardment of emails and phone calls and Twitter and Facebook. My phone is pinging my screen is dinging and so many things demand my attention. But I’m trying to simplify now. Maybe I need to try and keep some windows closed only when I need them. I don’t need to see those notifications pop up constantly, calling my name.

I need to go back to the basics.

Summer Camping on a Farm: Learning to Do Nothing

I needed time to breathe. With my vacation days delegated to Christmas holidays, wedding planning, and the wedding itself, I found myself working through the summer with no breaks in sight. Half of the time, the office felt like a graveyard with so many coworkers driving to cottages, lounging in the Caribbean, or taking staycations. For me, the summer was looking like it would be bleak and endless.

What I missed most from growing up in Alberta was the proximity to the Rockies and the ease at which we could take weekend camping trips. When I was in undergrad, my friends and I would message each other, “hey, do you want to go camping this weekend?” A few days later, we would all be squished into someone’s car, with our sleeping bags on our laps, a cooler filled with BBQ necessities and beer, someone’s summer hits playlist blaring on the car speakers, and our boots on for hiking. One year, even a snowed-covered campground in May didn’t stop us from using a tiny shovel from an emergency kit to clear the site for our tent. The warmth of a campfire and the smell of rotating sausages always drew me back to those times with ease.

When an email popped into my inbox the other day, I couldn’t help but click on the title. It was for a Midsummer’s Eve event at Hart House Farm, a rural property owned by the University of Toronto’s student activity centre, Hart House. My fiance Petar and I have gone a few times on their day trips: one was about maple syrup tapping/processing, and one was about pressing for apple cider. This Midsummer’s Eve event was different because we would be able to pitch a tent on the field surrounding the farmhouse – camping!

Pretty soon, Petar and I were on the bus toward the farm with our gear (a $50 tent from Kijiji, foam mats and sleeping bags from Canadian Tire, our backpacks, and his camera).  When we got there, we immediately set up our tent and was awarded with a BBQ lunch. All three meals were made by the farm committee with farm-to-table ingredients, which meant that the food was fresh and delicious. Also, we didn’t have to bring coolers, condiments, utensils, etc. There weren’t any specific activities, so we spent the day hiking on the trails, dipping our feet in ponds, reading our respective books, and catching up on sleep. At night, there was a free concert on the outdoor stage and s’mores roasted on the roaring campfire.

Lying on the grass looking over the farm with my finished book at my side, I realized that this was exactly what I needed. A longer trip doesn’t always allow me to get what’s needed, especially if we’re going on some epic adventure. I’m thinking back to my week long trip to Boston and New York last year around the same time, where it was a whirlwind of tours and attractions, one after the other like rapid fire. The planner in me, who wants to see as much as possible in the time that’s given and with the most value, can’t ever let go of the itinerary to just relax and do nothing. 

Leaving the farm, I made the decision to pack my weekends this summer with activities. Why am I filling up my weekends if I just said I needed to “do nothing?” It’s always inevitable that someone will invite us somewhere, we’ll invite people somewhere, or some festival will come up that’s irresistible, but I’ve decided that I won’t put my planner hat on. I’m going to seek out activities that I can just book without creating by-the-minute schedules of what we’re going to do. I’m going to go on these short weekend excursions with a freedom to just enjoy what’s around me without being anxious that we’re not reaching every potential. With this new mindset, I hope to develop new habits, to read more, and to feel rejuvenated.

It’s turning out to be a “do nothing” summer, but I bet it’s going to be one of the best.

Intro: Cake

Hello blogging world! I’m excited to start this new journey in blogging, especially with my sister. We both love to write, but we’re also very busy people. We hope that together we’ll motivate each other!

I’ve always been fascinated by blogging, and since my childhood, I’ve always kept personal diaries. The only problem was that my entries turned out to be play-by-play details of my day, usually ending in woeful rants about what went wrong. While it was cathartic at times, there was never any direction or purpose. My goal for this blog is to create a free space where my sister and I can react to things that happen in our lives with the intent to learn, grow, and celebrate.

I live in Toronto, which is actually the fifth largest city in North America. I don’t think many people know this fact, which is probably why it doesn’t feel too big or too crowded. While there are pockets of corporate towers and condo monoliths, there are still plenty of independent cafes, diverse restaurants, and vibrant festivals. I won’t hide it: I love this city. It’s a living, breathing space that’s pretty special, and that’s something worth blogging about.

While I’d love to say that I’m currently pursuing the biggest dream in my life, I can tell you at this moment, I’m not. I don’t have that one ultimate dream figured out yet, and I’m just coming to terms with believing that that’s okay. I also don’t know exactly what it means to be Taiwanese-Canadian, what it means to be someone building her career, what it means to be a twenty-something year old, and what it means to be a young woman, almost a wife. I feel like those areas that are the most uncomfortable and the most confusing are the ones that are the most interesting to discuss.

Although my sister and I live very differently, we have always been very strong supporters of each other. Think of these blog posts as letters that we’re sending back and forth from across the country. We hope our readers come along for the ride!